Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The desert. I think about being in the desert a lot. On one hand it is this beautiful place of solitude and deafening quiet, on the other a place of death and predators. It's hot during the day and cold at night... extremes that never really allow you to be comfortable. Plants are thorny, animals hungry, bugs all bitey.... not really that fun. For some reason though, I tend to want to go to the desert. I want to grab Izzie, a gun and a backpack and just head out to nowhere. I want to place myself in this harsh climate to be alone and stripped down before myself and God. No radio, no people, no computer or email, no work, no ministry, no church, no nothing. I think I need to go for a week...5 days. Enough time to really let the loneliness and solitude set in, long enough to really be alone.
Last time I did this was for a couple of days up in Caprock Canyons. It was beautiful, but I wasn't alone long enough and I wasn't far enough away from people. Miles away is where I long to be....miles away from everything. That way if I need something I can't just jump in the truck and drive 20 minuets to go get it. If I want to call CC I cant drive a few minutes to find a signal. I need to be isolated and inconvenienced. Forced to not distract myself and forced to face my petty anxieties and worries.......how's CC, how's the house, how's the church, the ministry, the staff, the board, the family, etc..... Forced not to distract myself away from God by these normal things in life.
Maybe I don't have to go anywhere for this. Maybe I am actually in the desert right now. It could be that once again, God has led me into a place of death and dissatisfaction--where even His voice is not clearly heard. It could be that I am in a place of no comfort....not the heat of the day or the chill at night. It could be that I am in a place of harsh solitude. It could be.
But regardless....either way....I walk it out and survive by faith. Prayer, crying out to God for mercy, sitting still to listen, and....something else.....just don't know what that is yet. Maybe the journey out of the desert will reveal that. Whenever that is and wherever that may be.
Friday, September 29, 2006
So, the house is bought, the plunge has been taken, and the sacred cow killed. I own a home. An old home. A 90 year old home. Damn. I am pretty stoked about it, but freaked out as well. It is a solid house and I really like it, but there is a lot to do before it will feel like I want it to. I need to chill out a bit and take things one step at a time.... baby steps, baby steps. For the first few days there was a great feeling of being completely overwhelmed by what needed to be done before CC and I move in. It was one of those crippling feelings of near impotence that makes you look at this magnitude of events and not have any clue of where to begin. So I freaked out. Then I just picked something and started doing it. Now, with the much appreciated help of family and friends, there is progress and the feelings of being overwhelmed are receding.
Ain't that just like life. We are overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of life at times and we don't know where to even start to begin to deal with it all. There are issues all around and we feel we have to pick the right one to start with. I think maybe sometimes just doing something is the right thing. Nothing complicated. Just. Do. Something. Let God sort out the tangled web of life's issues.... that's his job right? Trust in him, acknowledge him in all our ways and he will make our paths STRAIGHT. Hell yeah. Not my job to straighten things out. My job is to keep God first and just do somethin'. Right now that somethin' is texturing walls and painting.And trying to support my lovely bride as she adjusts to a new life.
Not too difficult, right? Just foat along, swim a little and let the waves come.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
So, today CC and i are supposed to be closing on the house we are buying. I say supposed to close b/c it may or may not happen. There is some paperwork that our insurance company has to get in and they are kinda dragging their heels on it a bit. I think that I could get a bit frustrated by this, but surprisingly enough I'm not.
We have been looking forward to this date with a good amount of anticipation and nervousness....just hoping it would come and we would make it through the process relatively painlessly. Now that it is here, it is probably getting postponed until tomorrow or Monday. What a let down. But isn't that so like life? We put a lot of thought, hope, worry, fear, and stress into things and they never seem to turn out like we expected them to. There is always a twist in the plot... a last minute change that has the ability to knock you off balance and throw you for a loop.
Most days i am really cool with that.... It keeps life interesting. Today however, I am really not in the mood for it. Maybe it's because this little twist involves a hundred thousand dollar investment, maybe it's because this hundred thousand dollar investment is my home, maybe. That said, I'm not too stressed about it. I know it will all work out and the Lord is in control of the situation. My God is a lot bigger than my weak expectations of how I would like things to work out.
That's really it I think. I need to not expect things to work out when they are supposed to.... kill the part of me that hopes in events and circumstances. They are fickle and fleeting and so very shifty. They are never constant or consistent. I know in my heart that true surrender to God's will breeds the notion that the only thing worthy of putting hope in is God's divine plan....which is sometimes revealed, but often vague or completely hidden. I used to live like this more, but responsibility and a life of running things tends to suffocate a simple openness to God's will....especially when his will contradicts what we want or expect. I have got to die to my will. Even in stupid things like delayed closings and postponed plans.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Well, I suppose this might as well serve to be a vehicle for thought and dialogue with the random souls that might read this. I will try and post up semi-regular musings about whatever strikes my fancy. I anticipate they will mostly deal with faith, life and social action in an urban context, but there will probably be a fair amount about dogs, guns, and soccer as well. The grammar will suck, the spelling will be bad, the words might offend..... but hey, that's life